Monday, July 20, 2009

Loving This Boy.....




Loving this boy….we are doing this more and more each day. Loving his smile, loving his laugh, loving his funny faces, his great dancing skills, the way he sleeps, the way he reaches for us to give us a kiss, and yes, even his cry….Praise God! He is so good.

Over the last six months we have seen such a transformation in Caleb, but perhaps the bigger transformation has occurred inside of us. We were both shell shocked to say the least when we returned home with Caleb, especially me (I wrote about our first month here) . I was in “survival mode” for quite some time, doing what I had to do to get through each day. Most people who know Caleb would think that loving him would be natural and easy. He is so happy, loving and fun. Yet, for whatever reason, many of you who know me or follow this blog know that this was not the case for me- as hard as it is for me to say, loving my son did not come natural or easy at first. I can honestly say that I have searched my heart about this exact matter and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that adoption had nothing to do with it- in other words, I am quite sure that even if I had carried a baby in my stomach for nine months and they looked and acted just like me- I still would have had trouble with the emotions being easy and natural. How do I know this? Through the very difficult realization that I was and still am a selfish and prideful person. Through the very difficult realization that I was and am still in need of much grace- grace I thought I didn’t need until I became a mother. Yes, becoming a mother, more than anything, has shown me the depth of my need for God, and how on a daily basis I need His love, grace and mercy if I am to be the mother that He wants me to be. This is truly something that I can not do on my own. I have learned that throughout the last six months. It is only through Christ that we can rightly love others, and I only want Caleb to know the kind of love that God is, that God gives…. I pray that I may show him this love every day.

I truly take so much joy in being a mother, especially being the mother of Caleb Samuel Caldwell. It is such a privilege. It is a huge responsibility, but one that I gladly and humbly approach with the help of God and my family. In just a week or so we will celebrate the one year anniversary of receiving our referral for Bedlu. That was all he was known by then, but he is known by Caleb Samuel Caldwell now, and loved deeply by all who know him….especially his mommy .

7 comments:

Karen said...

wow! what an amazingly real post, rebecca! we're so happy for you guys & thankful for all of your help in the adoption process. we'll continue to pray for your precious son & y'alls family! loved & fully appreciated this post!!

Kelly said...

I went through the same thing with our first daughter and even some with our second child... It definitely is an adjustment!!! Loved your post, Rebecca!!!!

K.P. said...

Love your honesty and openness. You are not alone. You post has challenged me to get back to the dependence. I blow it SO many times...a day. Just this morning I'm looking back on the "ugly" that came out of me,rather than the "Jesus" that should have come out.

Love you and that sweet boy! You guys are a blessing.

KP

Ray and Lisa said...

Beautiful post, and a great reminder to depend on God for the big job of parenting. There are times that I worry (now that I'm pregnant) that I just won't be able to manage having 2 kids. The reality is that I can't do it on my own, but I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength! Thanks for the reminder.

tisha said...

Rebecca, I can identify with so much of what you said. I have seen a lot of selfishness and pride in myself. I am trying to rely on God to make me the kind of mom he wants me to be (and that I want to be) for Wesley. Thank you for sharing this. :)
Tisha

The Fab 4 said...

Loved this post, too. My story is so similar to yours that I could just feel myself writing it. We are an AWAA family and completed our (first) adoption in 2008. Even though we had a bio child, the whirlwind of emotions and exhaustion of international adoption knocked me flat for a good six months, too. Of course now, I cannot begin to imagine our family without our silly, beautiful boys.

Thanks for your honesty. Every family anticipating children biologically or by adoption should read this.

Mandy said...

well said! just beautiful